Words do kill

Time flies, the only thing you noticed is the weight of responsibilities that starts to burden alil day by day on your shoulder. But fear none, as everyone on earth faces the same challenge, most probably very similar but different in a way.

Change the way we view something, from a different angle, may somehow change the whole impression of us towards an arising problem. Take a deep breath, smile and shine. Confidence is what we need to carry on the journey.

Judging is their rights, but we know ourselves more than others. One may easily fall when they start to listen to what others judge. The strength within one is utterly important as such that it supports and sustains. Knowing the truth is  always a pride, revealing isn’t. It takes time for others to notice, but it does not take long for them to judge without knowledge.

Words do kill.

Stay strong, have faith and life live your way. Don’t let others intimidate you, because the real truth is you know more than them. 

May all be well, strong and well protected by the 3 jewels, the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu!

5.2013.1.4

“ I once said I regretted over the confession, but now, I’m pulling back my words.” – JAB

A true friend knows your characteristics well, read your moves, and knows your plans. But, it seems that the person I called ‘true friend’ don’t know me well enough.

I fell in love with my best friend. A friend that once be there for me since we’re ten. I’m glad that he existed in my life, and cherish those moments of us, together, being good friends. He was called, 5 in 1 – Sister, Brother, Girlfriend, Boyfriend, Best friend. And he’s everything to me. We shared almost everything, most of our problems, shed tears, burst out of laughters, solved each other’s problems besides than food and drinks, chair, interest, and there’s too many to list either.

I wasn’t disappointed over the turn down after 24 days of wait. I was just disappointed that, you chose to avoid things as it never happen. And it had proven that you don’t know me well enough, thinking that I wasn’t able to handle my own feelings, making ample of excuses just to stay away from me. And the plans with drama you guys put on, just to care about your new girl’s feelings, you avoided mine.

Years of friendship, and that’s a heartbreaking decision that you made, to chose her over me. And you gave up our friendship over a girl. A girl that was your ex-girlfriend months ago. Still can imagine you coming to us, crying and feeling tired over her attitude, and character. But, love is blind- you’ve proven it. Isolated because you chose romance over friendship – something that I don’t deserve from a so called ‘friend’ like you.

I was deeply disappointed not because you chose her. It’s because you don’t value our friendship. And I know something is still hidden as you don’t even dare to look at my eyes when I talk to you that day. If and only if, I didn’t pulled you to that corner and have the conversation, I think till today, I still don’t deserve and answer. Being in a hanging position for three weeks plus, it’s not easy, though I already prepared for the answer. Proven much that you don’t know me enough.

And now, knowing that you’re not that friend that I used to have, the one that know me too well, read my moves, and knew my plans, I can’t do much but to forgive. Letting go is not easy, but it’s the only way anyhow. Being disappointed over your actions had made 8 years of friendship, now, locked in a chest. It felt like I was left buried alive. The pain is there, watching over memories. Scar is the only thing you left for me.

This had taught me a lesson, nothing will ever last, and there’s no forever. Only my sincerity stays unspoken. Tears went dry. Hidden feelings. Being unwanted is the only thing I know, you abandoned me. Over a girl.

5201314 -  “ 我爱你一生一世 " is not to be expressed to others before you know how to appreciate your belongings. Always love yourself more than others. No one will be there for you but only yourself, always. Action does speak louder than words, so becareful on what you’re doing. Know your limits, and learn to respect others, so that you’re respected in return. And, no matter what, life goes on. Being silly is not the way to end problems. Building back your defense and confidence is the way to self cure the pain that you received. Forgive, but never forget, so that you’ll refrain yourself from repeating your mistakes. Sounds cruel, but it’s the only way so that you won’t get hurt continuously, over and over again.

Thanks for being a friend that shown me an example of an unworthy friend. You made me realize that I don’t deserve alot from you. Though it’s heartsickening, I’ll forgive, but never forget.

World Ends Today?

“Stay strong. Be there for yourself even though no one is there for you.” – Friend.

Days had passed, and few more hours to mark the end of Day 14th.

The Mayans predicted that their Calendar ends today, people interpreted it as ‘The End of the World’. But, I don’t really care about it, as it is a part of life. If we’re the ones who got to face this event, then lucky us isn’t it? I’m still wondering how long am I suppose to wait. But, no matter what, life goes on.

Well, there isn’t much to say now. My chance graph is inversely proportional against time, the way I looked at it. It’s either, time is needed to really think about it, or time is just needed to find some soothing excuses or reasons so that it wouldn’t end that bad. Anything will do, as now, I hope for less. Less expectations, less disappointment. Make it that way.

A message was received, asking for EOT to consider, as no answer is obtained yet that time. It was Day 10 that day. It really brought back that smile on my face that moment, instantly. But, as I said before, I respect and appreciate your decision. I’m not urging for a relationship, coz I know it’s hard to decide. So, from there, I continued to wait again.

This whole patience needed situation really pushed me to my own limits. If there’s any production company who needs an actress to tear within 15 seconds, I’m up for it. It feels so hard to breathe, so heavy. Sometimes, I hope I could just tell that someone.. “ Whatever it is, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know..”. Anything familiar? I think it’s from one of the 《那些年我们一起追得女孩》scene. I just feel like doing so, not that I want to copy a movie scene or what. I just feel tired sometimes.

And did my mood and emotions shown on my face? Or externally? Even my mom ask, why am I so moody nowadays. There isn’t a smile on my face. And of coz, she relate many many things into it, here and there. My mood turned even worst. If and only if you’re here to comfort me, like what you did before. Thinking of it, I felt a lil more better. But it would be best if you’re here.

I’ve made another silly but it is really an honest request recently. In these 6 years, I have not met someone who dares to confess or confirm a relationship face to face in front of me. And because of that, I’ve bumped into cheaters. I wanted it that way is because I wanted to feel for it myself. I believe no matter what decision you made, I will still feel comfortable around you because we’ve been great all these while, even on that moment itself.

Seeing post by post on Facebook that you’re enjoying your semester break in pairs. Feeling good for you, but not really good on my side. Well, I take that as a practice though. Refrain from falling into a state of jealousy. So that I’m not that emotionally weak any longer I hope. I just can’t wait nor imagine what’s going to happen next week when I finally get to meet all of you guys, paired up, right in front of my own eyes. I really hope I could endure the moments.

Three days, how am I suppose to live for those three days?

Chances

Anyone believe that chances comes upon well arrangement of your goals and plans?

Well, I do.

Reflecting back those days, with heavy duties, plenty of responsibilities, headaches and critics. It’s a training to prepare one to be ready for the next task or problem. One stage prepares you for the next. It’s cool right?

When things are related to responsibilities, leadership comes into the picture. It doesn’t mean if you’re not a leader of a group of community, you don’t have the responsibility. Leadership simply means how you bring yourself towards succeeding your own goals or plans. All of us are born leaders. It’s just that who are you leading? Alone or with a partner? Or maybe a group of people less than 10 or more than 100?

Situational leadership. Yes. If you’re a father, you lead your family. If you’re a friend, you lead your pals. If you’re a supervisor, you lead your subjects. A director lead’s their colleagues in a company. A teacher leads their students, and hence a headmaster leads teachers and students.

You lead your way towards your aim, your goal. Be your own leader to pursue your wildest dream in you. But it takes steps before you reach there. There isn’t any magic that can skip the stages. So, chances are very important indeed in all kinds of situation. If you’re prepared, why not grab it. You’ll never know when it’s coming. But you’re surely lucky if it arrives on the right time, right situation and siding your needs.


Now here's a tip :

“ DREAM + PLANS + ACTIONS = SUCCESS ” 

My headmistress told us this during an interview we had as introduction for the school magazine. Something to be practiced and apply in daily life. I’m practicing this though, theoretically, even before I got to know this equation from her. But she made it more easier in an equation form.

I missed her a lot. Hope she’s doing fine now. WIth her health conditions that might make her job more heavy than others. I just hope that her pain is lessen by god. It’s not easy for a cancer patient to stay so strong and determined yet being a full time dedicated teacher. Stay strong my dear headmistress. May god bless you.

I still wish that chances are high on my side. Let’s ignore about what’s going to happen on the 21st Decemeber 2012. I just know that I have to look forward in life. But, who know’s what’s happening tomorrow right?

“ … Life goes on! Look forward to better things! CHEERS… !! ” a part of my dad’s sms yesterday.

Somehow, I’ve prepared.
Prepared to move on in live.
But, I’m still waiting for that answer.

12-12-12

The last reoccurrence of day, month and year..

Well, many people hoping for some miracle to happen in them today, including me, I couldn’t deny. But, let’s not get our hopes too high and live in the reality. Things are just gonna be like everyday, because 121212 it’s just a day. Like others, nothing is special except for the number and order of it.

I have to accept the fact that I may not (high probability) get a good respond from my friend as I have told him something last Friday night. Five days, I was left silent, how sad and heartbreaking, but it really happened. I didn’t do what I did on purpose. It’s not a ‘now or never’ thing too. It’s just that I can’t hide any further.

Do you remember when I said I always be there? Ever since we were ten? The lyrics do suit well to my situation though, year by year, we had been through a lot. Be there for each other.. And, the feelings we had? Just unpredictable. Blame it on me, that you didn’t respond to me this time, because I was the one who pulled out when we first confessed to each other in 2007.

I denied many times though.. But this time, I can’t deny any further. I’ve fell in love with my best friend. Everyone would say.. “ owh.. how perfect! you guys can be together..” . It’s not like how you guys think it is, that easy.  By confessing, I’ve ruin my friendship. Never expected, but it happened.

We both have gone in and out of relationships, support each others through those heart sickening days. Comforts after comforts each breakups. Problems and issues were solved one after another. The feel of being together is just so right. The fact that we know each other too much, we just easily know what is needed and what’s not.

I didn’t ask for more, just one question actually. Who am I to you? Well, I’ve even plan the next move if I’m nothing or just a friend. Why don’t you just tell me, maybe a yes or a no for an answer? I’ll be glad if you do so. Then I can pick up from there all over again. You know I can handle all these situation as I been through a lot. You know. 

But you’re not acting upon it. Why? Do you think that I’ll be fine if you kept quiet as if you answered my question (NO). I don’t think so. You’re just making me worrying more here as if everything is over. OVER. Why must you do this to me? And the real fact that you did this to your ex-girlfriend just to ignore her. You’re doing this now to me. How sad is this?

I’m not a girl that you know for a day or two, or maybe for weeks or months. We know each other for years! Maybe you think I’m being too realistic in this matter this time. But this had proven that you don’t even care about me. At all. Till that extend? You know what, your actions really do disappoint me this time. Just this act of yours.

Please, show that you care? Maybe just a normal friend? The hi-bye type also it’s fine with me. But, you don’t plan to talk to me don’t you? Not replying my sms, facebook inbox chat.
I really thought of spamming all the devices you know? Including whatsapp, twitter mention, twitter direct message. But, it seems that I’m too annoying already right?

All I want it’s just a yes or no.
Waiting.

我想你

看着面子书的chatlist的你一直online和offline, 三天三夜都没有更我说话了。 心理总是感的不安。这些日子也不太好过， 很难受哦。

这一次，更其他的哪来比都没有这次那么伤。以前的那位也是这样的不管我。 但是，我还是没收到那么大的伤害。难道这一次我真的错了吗？

如果能后退， 我真的不会更你说那些话。我其实真的很后悔。可以说， 每天都在想要怎样恢复我们好好，快快乐乐的日子。 但是， 你到底还需要多少时间，用来做个决定呢？

我要求不多。 真的很希望能拥有你一直在我身边。 我真的满足了。

这也是我最后一次提出这样的东西。我不是想要把事情弄到乱七八糟。 但是， 其实我却等了太旧而不是赶时，我真的怕失去你。

失去你的我， 真的真的很害怕，又失去你多一次。请你， 快快想清楚， 为了我们八年的朋友关系想一想， 好吗？

我可以保证， 我已经很用心去把我们之间的关系弄好。也答应你， 不会再次让你失望了。